I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
