There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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