Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
