it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
