I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
