He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
