I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
