Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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