At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
