I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
