I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
