"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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