They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
