Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
