get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
