i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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