And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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