Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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