someone get that fucking seahorse.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
