The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
