On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just made my gag reflex go away.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
