I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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