my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
