Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
