I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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