wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
