JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
