i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
