He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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