We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
