I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
