I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
