Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
