"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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