If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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