im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
