One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
