Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
They took my balls.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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