I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
