"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
