Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
