85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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