her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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