I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
