I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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