So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
