I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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