Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
