Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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