The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
