It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
