covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
