I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
