She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
