my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
